We've been through many things. So much more ups than downs..more laughter than tears...more good memories and adventures and fun times than i've ever had in my two years that we have been together than I've had in in my life. Meng's amazing. He's wonderful, and he's one of the best boyfriends ever. I'm gonna miss him when he goes to Cambodia, but one thing i know for certain. I'll be there when he leaves and i'll be here when he comes back.  I love him. Yes i do, and up until yesterday night at 11:18pm I was uncertain how he felt...until he said "I love you".

I love you too Nons... I love you too.

so i'm not much into bs-ing about sad things and blah blah blah.. but since im feelin it... im gonna write about it.

So today it kinda hit me.. i guess love is sometimes blind no? I mean, it is true what they say.. makes u not see things u normally would if u weren't so 'into' that person.. but then wen u get a big wake up call, it sort of hits u and brings u back to reality... makes u look back into things from the past... see things.. helps u realize certain things u missed out on or didn't see.. not because u just couldn't see them when they were happening.. but many times because u didn't wanna see them or believe they could happen.

I may be talkin nonsense but it makes sense to me.

and then it's those same people that make u aim higher, for things that u normally wouldn't if they had not been in ur life to begin with.. Maybe it's God's way of nudging u in the right direction, even if they weren't meant for u or even if they were... i mean, He's gotta get u there someway and if it's through another being, then that's what he's gonna use. After all, it is a lot better finding out ur true direction through some person that is heaven sent to u to bring u up along the way and teach u things about urself that u never knew u were ever capable of... than someone just straight up telling u 'ur supposed to do this and so u must do it'... after all everyone that has been in contact with ur life has a meaning and a purpose.. and so i thank you... for being in my life..touching it in some way, some very special way that no one else can but you..for making that difference in my life and helping me be the more positive fun loving person that i am today. i have a love for life and enjoy my life of love that you have given me.

To my 'twin' sister ruby.. u have no clue how much u have impacted my life in these few months, almost a year since i have met u.. i have become a better person because of u, believe it or not. I love it when we hang out and can have our weirdo girl talks... we're so much alike that sometimes i totally don't even know how God put us together so we could meet, but he did. And i know that i was definitely supposed to meet u...whether it have been a few years ago, or even a year ago. You are my sister, and i love u..always and forever.

To my other sister Navy.. girl i aint gona lie man. u really scared me when i first met u.. i was too nervous to be myself but the day we started hanging out i instantly found myself attached to u. Ur so easy to hang out with and  talk to and im glad u were nothing like what i was afraid of at first. And although it seems like we just became friends recently, just like u said, u know ruby and i are here for u too. we have our memories and i definitely treasure all the moments we have shared and i know we will share much more..from ur glowing boobies.. O.O to our girls' night out. know that u have a special place in my life and i'm blessed to have met wonderful sisters like u and ruby. love ya!

Lil meng.. hmm huh wha?..man ur awesome. I'm glad my sister has found someone like you. I honestly have never seen two people more in love with each other than the two of you. After all the fun times we've shared together...at the beaches, the casinos, the wild drunkenness...man u know i think of u as a brother...not a lil one or anything like that cuz damn im ur soo much taller than me...but as an equal. (im not down with the big/lil brother or sister thing).. Ur a great guy man and im glad to have met you as well. U still gotta teach me how to drive a stick... but i admire u for ur patience and ur 'kick back-ness'...i definitely gotta learn that. U know i got ur back & that ill always help u out with whatever. Thanks for lookin out for me too...its definitely much appreciated. Love ya cuuuuuhhh....

and to u..
thank u for everything that you have taught me..everything that you have equipped me with for life, whether it be for survival, or just how to enjoy life in itself.  Because of u I am a very different person than i ever was..someone much better. I have because a very positive fun-loving/fun-seeking person. I have tried and done things that i thought i never would before, such as snowboarding. Thank you for introducing me to that...and drifting...and just...everything. Know that i care about u deeply...and that you have impacted my life in one of the biggest ways i never knew were possible. I just want the best for u in all that u do and i know that if u just put ur mind to it u can succeed in everything. I still mean it when i say that i just want to be the person that makes that impact in ur life even if i'm not the person that you end up with in the future...I believe in you and in all that you do... and even though i'm too afraid to actually say this to ur face or because i'm too stubborn to be the first person to actually say it... but I love you...and whether or not u feel that back.. i do.. "I love you not only for who you are but for what I am when I am with you"...

k thats all im sleepy & its only 935..im totally drained..gnite all.. much love & God bless

good stuff... im updating sooner.. okay okay gimme a break! i know it's only twice in a row but still thats more than i've ever done.. so it's good. I found this browsing through stuff online... and this is some good stuff... it's real.. it hit me... okay enough.. ill just let it hit u. enjoy

Infatuation is instant desire - one set of glands calling to another.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by their presence, even when they are away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know they are yours, and you can wait.

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing them."

Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.

Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship, which makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When they're away, you wonder if they're cheating. Sometimes, you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. They feel your trust, and it makes them even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.

Love is an upper. It makes you feel whole. It completes the circle. It fills the empty space in your heart. Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you don't have. If there is no love in your life, whatever else there is has a lot less meaning.

The secret of our being is not only to live but to have something to live for.

Okay so now i remembered why i dont write in this thing much because it freezes on me. so i had a big ol paragraph written..and now i dont so i will try remembering..

so here we go.. recap of the last few days of '04 and the first 2 months of '05:

My birthday was f-in awesome thanks to the people who made it awesome...my extended family of family..

The day before my birthday Meng & I decided to go snowboarding. That whole day was f-in awesome! Even though we had to wake up at a time when even God-knows it's way too early to wake up.. who who 5:30 could have an A.M. in front of it?.. but anyways we met up at the usual kick it spot.. the target parking lot.. and began to load up the car. At first i had to clean the back of the car, but before that i even checked the back of his car jusss to see if there was somethin special in there for me like my burton sterling snowboard... but saw nothing. So i continued to clean the bcak of the car and when i got up to see what was taking his ghetoo booty ass so long to hand me the first board, there he was standing there holding IT! My very own Burton Sterling Snowboard! whoo was that the start of a very awesome day! So we head up to Mt. High and snowboard.. and tehre i was on the lift thinking: what more could I ask for? I have my very awesome boyfriend next to me, my brand new board under my feet, and i can carve!.. awesome i tell you, simply awesome! I should put my board into more use though before it gets out of season, but im still gonna love it! Let's see.. oh yea i forgot about that but the secret santa dinner was that same night. Gosh was i red in the face.. literally cuz of the sun, i got burnt!..but we went. it was held at a restaurant at universal studios.. the food was okay but my highlight was that i got to see Christina Millian and the band Hoobstank. Exchanged gifts w the secret santa and then left since mom was callin off the hook... gosh im 20 and still getting told to go home.. i really need to move out. But it was awesome because i got to spend my actual birthday with the Mister. 12 midnight and we spent it speeding home on the fwy at 90 miles an hour while he was holding me w one arm and the steering wheel in the other.. good times good times! So the day of we had a family thing.. it was nice cuz my godson and neice came over from frisco and they spent it with us. Very fun i tell you. I definitely missed them! LAter on in the night The sister came by w Navy and we just chilled... who could ask for more? Definitely not me but it wasnt even over yet.. they chill til about 10 or 11 and i head out for midnight mass with Meng... sooo we spent the transition of my birthday to christmas together too.. i know that sounds stupid, but its the sentimentality of it all people! Especially since your damn birthday is christmas eve and you've never really had friends come over and spend it with you.

Okay so that was some fun times. Let's see... what else happened... shortened version cuz i gotta clean up the house and run a few errands... The New York trip was one to remember.. visited Rockefeller center, Empire State Bldg  (even though i nearly got blown off the top by the strongest wind ever.. i swear i could hear it howling in my ear and tell me i was gonna freeze to death).. actually i had several of those times wher ei thought i would freeze to death.. got to ride the trains, visited the World Trade Centers, or what's left of it (God bless all those lives lost) and Pennsylvania! That was awesome cuz i got to see the Amish people, eat the most amazing yet simplest food ever, and i visited a city called "Intercourse" where apparently all the amish live... but i thought they were religious people, tell me now that's not a message to your kids to have sex.. Spent New Years with the family cuz Times Square was way to cold, and Dick Clark wasn't there anyways so it woulda been booty to go. All in all NY was awesome.. i'd definitely go again... uhm... maybe this time in the summer cuz all that layering made me too tired to walk... and even though it was a week... i missed everyone.. yea i guess the mister too falls in that category, no?

So when i got back we planned a snowboarding trip again... headed out but this time w lil meng, ruby, and navy. It was pretty fun... it was the sisters and lil mengs first time snowboarding and they are definitely naturals! Whoo i was so proud... pictures to be posted soon.. maybe.. But they were definitely awesome... that day was fun up until we find out that our cars were about to get towed and we had to pay them just to not take it away... gosh thats almost as worse as trying to carve but falling on your ass only to be unable to stop yourself and all the snow that your collecting creates a huge giant snowball that your stuck in the middle of and you dont stop until you fall off the mountain and meet the Abominable snowman who decides to take you and make you his bitch for life. Is it not? So... we finally pull all our money together and pay for that shit and go home, cut short of the enjoyment of life of having a snowboarding day with your newfound friends. Thanks again to Lil meng, ruby and navy for saving our asses.. okay so now enough time has passed.. we can laugh at it now.. ha... ha...blah!

Let's see what else? Oh yea, i started workin at the YMCA for the after school program so i go to different schools every month or so.. and the first school i worked at is called Baxter... man those kids... they're the sweetest. It was my last day workin there last week and this new school im workin at is called Woodruff... lemme tell you.. these kids are definitely getting blessed by mother nature a lot earlier than the ones at baxter or even earlier than me... shoot... theres 4th graders taller than me.. and this one 5th grade girl... she's already got ass and boobies.. not that im looking at her like that or anything, but im tellin u... she's BLESSED... and the 6th grade... let's not even go there! How sad is it that they intimidate me? ME of all people? Because they're way taller than me that's why! Can you imagine taking orders from a 5'3 lady when you're like 5'7?! Yea... you tell me! but it was funny cuz there's this 4th grade boy and the first day we just introduced ourselves and did icebreakers and all that... soo after me and my partner are finished introducing ourselves and the kids are introducing themselves, this boy goes "wait! What was your name again?" i tell him.. and he says "oh.. your name should be Beautiful." haha.. tell me that isn't pimp. This boy's got game and guts. So i tell the mister after work and he laughs... maybe it's the intimidated "a 4th grade lil boy might take my girlfriend away" kind of laugh.. or maybe its the "damn i wish i had that much balls" kind.. i dunno.. hard to tell.

So let's see.. oh yes.. valentine's day.. it sucked cuz it was a monday! You can't do nothing on a monday! That's like twice the horror of having to go back to work after a nice relaxing weekend off and then remembering to bring the flowers home or doin something special for your significant other or else you're gonna have your balls chopped off kinda horror. So this year it was postponed. Instead of spending it with the boyfriend, i spent it with the sister and the girl friend Navy. Ruby and I planned to do something nice for Navy so she wouldn't have to spend it alone this year.. or with the Beetlejuice stalker guy. So we cook spaghetti with garlic bread and give her a card and chocolates and just kick it at the house.. Lord knows it's difficult to go out and eat cuz everyone and their momma are tryin to! But it was kinda a fun day since me and the mister had to study for our history test the very next day... btw.. what kind of teacher would do such a thing?.. but we had to spend it at the park since i locked myself out of the house..again.. and i gave him my sad excuse of a card.. looks like my 2nd graders made it, but i made it i swear! and those of you that know me, know i have the idea but i canNOT put it together the way it looks in my head. But it's the thought that counts, right? Gosh.. don't make fun! Okay so we head to target cuz i have a freakin cold sore and he brings in the card with him.. ohh man, a lady came up to us and said "aww how cute did someone special make that card for you? Looks like they put a lot of time and effort into that" and meng says "yea she made it for me".. the lady looks at me and him and then looks away and says "ohh that's very sweet of her. that's very special".. but then again it looks like she was tryin not to laugh cuz she probably thought his little sister or someone small made it for him.. oh the embarrassment. I'll try taking a picture to show you what i mean..

Meng & my valentine's day was postponed..when it came it was pretty cool. we had a nice relaxing time.. saw part of constantine but then got a refund cuz i just wasn't feeling too well.. but had dinner at Karl Strauss and just watched the bball games and all that... it was cool. As long as we got to spend it together that was cool... okay damn that was a pretty long entry for a "quick recap". im over it. Gotta run those errands cuz theyre not gonna run themselves.

Oh yea and last weekend we went to D1, the drifting show... ohh fun times for sure! I found that i get easily turned on by drifting... just hearing the noise of the engines and the excitement of not knowing whether or not the cars will crash into each other or the wall or the dudes standing off to the side... maybe thats insane of me, no? Getting excited and turned on by the danger of the whole thing.. But now i wanna be the first drifter girl... one of the good ones, not sucky ones... it's just a dream like wanting to be an astronaut and fly through space when your little and then come to find that math and science are just not your thing... ill grow out of it.. my bubble will be bursted.. is that a word? okay im rambling.. and stalling.. good night... wait.. good morning... ohh i gotta take a crap! okay

Oh yea btw happy 1 year 2 months... gosh thats a long time.. weird cuz it still feels new..time flies when ur having fun!

Take care everyone! God bless! bye

Okay, im not too good at doing this sort of thing on a daily basis... or even a weekly one, but oh well.

Lemme see... i've been in a really bitchy ass mood lately. Why you ask? Well let me tell you...

My stupid ass birthday is coming up once again... oh yes that once in a year day that is somehow randomly given to you by your loving parents that just so happen to have decided to DO IT nine months before and out you come cryin and all full of that nasty wet stuff. Okay anyways... i've never really enjoyed this time of the year. I mean, yea its christmas and you get presents.. watever watever. But i just feel like people don't really remember... well i mean its not that hard to remember since it is the day before christmas and stuff, but i mean... i feel like they just get too caught up in buying stuff for their secret santas and their families, and forget to celebrate me... my birthday. Even though all year long, we've celebrated their birthdays whenever they wanted to , when they planned it, where they planned it, and made it, bought their gifts, spent time with them... and yeeeaa. Okay u get it. I jus feel very much like im taken for granted. I've gone out of my way to make people feel special on their day, but i get nothing in return.

Some people say that they're 'planning stuff' or whatever. But i don't care what they say. I think they're lying. People are going to the dinner because it's called "the secret santa dinner' and people just want their damn presents. If people called the dinner "gee's birthday dinner".. not even half those people would make it. Thus... i have decided to turn a new leaf this year. No more doin shit for other people. No more goin out of my way to make peole feel special or what not. No more trying hard to go to their events. If i cant go i cant. If i dont feel like going, i wont. Whatever happened to... "whatever you reap you sow".. thats total bullshit if you ask me.

We have also planned this event on the 23rd.. snowboarding at mt. high for my birthday. We told many people... and many people have found the perfect excuses to dismiss themselves from the event. See, this is why celebrating half birthdays arent as bad as people make them out to be. Sounds stupid, i agree, but its people like me that have their birthday unfortunately fall very very close to a holiday where everyone is too damn busy worrying about getting the perfect present for each other. All i want for my birthday is MY day... i aint even asking for 24 hours... just a few hours would be fine... where my friends would be there for me and ONLY me... not cuz they want their presents too. Shoot, i aint even asking for a surprise bday party (although that would be extremely nice, but then again i know id just be pushing it). Don't people understand that what i do for them... go outta my way and all that nonsense... is something that maybe id appreciate in return?

It's true what they say. Nice people do finish last... thus i have come to the conclusion that i will just be the bitch.

I've also been pretty angry with Meng lately. Only because i feel like he's taking me for granted as well. He's not such a very thoughtful person when it comes to things like this. I only went out of my way to make his surprise bday happen for him... and in return, i get nothing. I know its bad to expect anything, but its hard... i only expect something to happen but then again i know im gonna get nothing. And he even says that birthdays arent important to him... nice to know since he doesnt even really know when his real birthday is! To me its important, b/c its like a given. The one day out of 365 days that is given to you and is designated "yours". And it should be celebrated.. not dreaded.

There's a lot of things going on in my mind right now... going on in my head. I've been extremely depressed lately and ive just been wanting to cry. But who wants to be around that type of person? This is why the smile on my face seems to be glued on and not genuine. After all... who cares?